My department needs a FAQ for all the graphics questions the customers don’t actually *ask*, but assume they should be helped with anyway. A FAQ for everyone who wouldn’t read it, seeing as they don’t read the painfully obvious file guidelines and upload instructions that we have up there already

It should be noted that this FAQ doesn’t actually exist. We’re not going to add yet another block of verbiage on the company site that the customers will invariably ignore. This is just me grouching off.

I uploaded a ZIP/SIT file. Why can’t you use it?
Nice answer: The file within the archive still must be of a type that we accept. For example, a zipped Microsoft Word file will upload succussfully, but we will be unable to do anything with it upon arrival.

My answer: Sorry, you are not so special that the rules we have in place for everyone else will be waived just for you. As soon as I see the extension .doc or .rtf or .wpd or ANYTHING ELSE that resembles a word processing file, I toss the whole thing into the bit bucket. You can either email it to me as good old fashioned plain text, or print and fax it over. In spite of what the spiked kool aid is telling you, MS Word does not produce graphics files.

Can you take my logo from my website?
Nice answer: Web graphics are good for on screen display, and often print tolerably from home printers, but will not print acceptably from a professional press. Unless you also have a high resolution version of your logo/graphic on your website for download, you will need to upload a print quality graphic to us.

My answer: What am I - your trained monkey? I’m not hunting through your site hoping to find the correct unusable image. The web is not print, and print is not the web. Not that you’ll have any idea what I’m talking about here. No - your cheap ass web graphic looks bad *now* and will only look worse if we sent it to press. That is, if it ever got on press, since I’m certain that the pressmen would look at it and fall down laughing.

I sent a TIF/EPS/etc… file - why you can’t you use it?
Nice answer: Regardless of file type, the graphic still has to be of the correct resolution and quality. We cannot take low resolution images or poor quality scans “as is” although we may be able to clean them up to an acceptable standard for an additional charge.

My answer: You moron. Saving that logo from your website in a spiffy new format does not change the fact that is is still a web graphic. Please reboot your brain.

I’m using MS Publisher/Photo Impact/MS Word/PowerPoint/etc… Can you help me export the correct file?
Nice answer: We do not offer tech support for software. The only software that we can “walk you through” for basic problems are the following titles:
Adobe Photoshop
Adobe Illustrator
WinZip
Stuffit

My answer: Do I *look* like tech support?