Every now and then, I’ll get a broadcast email from one of our customers for no other reason than the fact that I’ve corresponded with them and so am in their address book. Eh, it happens, and usually it’s just PR or marketing info.

Today, one of my customers decided to send out a message to her whole address book about why everyone should vote for McCain - not something I’m going to agree with under the best of circumstances and her logic was… a little off. Ok, no big. Into the bitbucket it goes, and I’m on with my morning.

Only, no - that’s not the end. Someone in her address book takes exception to getting the note, and hauls out the drama lama. She flings the drama lama right back at him, and now I have two strangers slogging it out in my inbox. This is when I stepped and and emailed only the two of them, and politely asked them to refrain from hitting reply all. Hopefully, that will be the end of it.

Though it’ll be interesting the next time she calls up to place an order.

When to dump a client:

Dear passive aggressive customer -

“I’m not good with computers” is not an excuse to forget how to read or think for yourself. We’re not asking you to re-partition your hard drive - you just have to fill in basic information on a form and press two gods-be-dammed buttons. This has NOTHING to do with being “good with computers”. If you can fill out the basic contact form in your doctor’s office, you should be able to do this.

I’m sorry that the big scary internet makes you forget how to function as an adult, but I do not have access to your computer, nor am I getting paid to allay your fears about technology. You’re going to have to pull up your big girl pants and push the button your own damm self.

with sincere stabby rage,
Me

PS - You almost made me snap my favorite pen.

PPS - Yes, our UI isn’t perfect. I’d love it if we could put more time and energy into making it better, but my IT guy is overworked as it is and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about usability on a good day, and the owner of the company doesn’t have the faintest clue what we’re talking about and isn’t going to put money towards interface development when I’m the only person in the company saying that there’s a problem.

Customer in livechat: what kind of box do you recommend for homemade soap? they are a pretty standard size bar
Me: ::headdesk::

It never ceases to amaze me how many people assume that my job involves thinking for them. Or telepathy.

Dear customer -
The number of different products we carry is somewhere in the more-than-several thousands. I’m glad that you want a quote for a “custom printed box” but you’re going to have to be just a little more specific if you want us to be able to run up a printing quote.

not so much love,
me.

PS - ::begin extra snark:: Of course, I am working on that mail order parapsychology/Advanced ESP course, and if you want to wait until that certificate comes through (should be any day now, really), I’ll be able to help you without requiring you to lift a finger or strain your brain at all. ::end extra snark::

Dear customers,
Your desire to be “green” is commendable, but you should understand the following:

• Asking for a biodegradable paper cup is redundant.
• Unless specifically stated otherwise, ALL commercial paper products sold today contain some recycled content. (100% virgin paper is horrifically expensive) No, we do not have the exact percentage breakdowns for all of our products.
• Soy based ink might be the hot new thing, but you only need it on items that you plan on putting in your mouth or on/near food.
• Looking green and being green are not the same thing. Tying your boxes with raffia will look nice, but will not reduce your carbon footprint.
• On the above note, you might want to think about NOT buying quite so much packaging from us, if you’re really interested in being eco-friendly.

Yesterday and Friday, everyone in the office was exclaiming how miserable I must be, stuck without air conditioning on the first floor, while everyone else (everyone except the warehouse staff, of course) was basking in A/C land upstairs.

I shrugged - temperature is relative, I said, and so long as I’m not upstairs too often, I don’t much notice the lack.

Today, the A/C for the whole building died. The third floor office has been getting hotter all day, as the heat rises. They’re running fans and cursing fate, nature, and the bosses with equal vigor. I’m still pretty darn comfortable down here.

The only person who gets to call me “sweetie” is my mom. You do not meet that requirement, and can therefore drop dead.

…grumble grumble….

No new pics for the next few days… bogged down with a website job. Upside, it’s a paying gig. Downside, it’s boring and tedious… so I want to get it *done*.

I don’t take as many web jobs as I used to, but I just finished up a nice one: http://marklittman.com/

Now, off to bed.