Me: *working*
Power Surge: *happens*
Fire Alarm: *Goes off*
Me: WAAGH!!?

Me: *Dials Boss*
Boss: Yes?
Me: WHAT IS THIS?!
Boss: Be right down.

Boss: *fixes fire alarm*
Me: That’s much nicer. We’re not actually on fire, right?
Boss: No, everything’s ok.
Me: Cool.
Boss: Calls alarm company, others.

Fire tuck: *arrives*
Me: Uh, boss?
Boss: I’m on this.
Me: Cool.
Boss: *talks to nice firemen*
Fire truck: *departs*

In conclusion, the NFD’s response time is not too bad, fire alarms are very loud, and power surges lead to nothing good.

I understand that you are stuck behind an ass trying to make an illegal left turn, and you would really like to get past him now if not sooner; but obviously, he doesn’t care about your convenience. It seems that he also doesn’t care about the horn you’ve been laying on for the last minute and a half.

I, on the other hand, care deeply about your convenience and would firebomb the scofflaw, if such were possible (as I lack explosives) and legal (as I have no wish to go to prison). However, I think intentions should count for something, so taking our mutual hatred for the illegal-left-hand-turn-making-idiot into account, could you do me this one eensy favor?

Lay. Off. The. Horn.

Obviously, your horn is not producing the desired result. The scofflaw has not moved, and it seems he will not do so until such time as he gets to make his mother-loving, donkey-fellating, left hand turn. Your auto horn, on the other hand, is impacting MY day rather directly, and both I and the customer on the other end of my phone would be eternally in your debt if you would take a few breaths, find your zen, and remember that, auto karma being what it is, the scofflaw will most assuredly get his, probably in short order.

No, really.

Customer: I’m looking for ::Insert description of item we don’t have anything even close to.:: would ::item:: be a good match?
Me: No. ::item:: is really nothing like what you are looking for, but we could run up a custom quote for you.
Customer: No, my customer is OUT of ::non-existent-box:: and needs more NOW.
What I do not say: Well, obviously it already exists somewhere. You can’t just ask them where they bought it last?
What I do say: I’m sorry, but we don’t have anything that matches what you’re looking for. Here’s the info to begin a custom quote request, if you want to go that direction.
Customer: Allright. I’ll order samples of ::item:: anyway, just to check them out.
Me: You have a good day.

We’re not like a shoe store. There’s no special back room where we’re keeping the one item you really really want. If it’s not listed, we don’t have it. We may be able to magic it up out of nothing, but that does take time and money.

Yes, I speak quickly. When annoyed or stressed, I speak even faster. I understand that this may make me hard to understand if you’re not used to it. I will try to chill out of you mention it.

Being passive aggressive is not the same thing as being polite or nice, and I can sniff that out faster than you would believe. It will not endear you to me, and it will not make me want to go that extra mile for you.

You are free to ask how my day is going. That is, however, a personal question and one I am not obligated to answer (truthfully or otherwise). If I decline to answer and instead ask how I can help you today, you will take the damn hint and drop it. It’s not rude for me to politely sidestep a personal question (even if you don’t think it’s terribly personal). It IS rude of you to force the issue, and it’s INCREDIBLY rude for you to cop an attitude afterward.

Asking where my company is located and then sniffing “well, that explains it” when I tell you that we’re in Newark is also rude. No, really.

Please keep in mind that you are a stranger who wouldn’t know me from Adam, and as such, there’s are certain modes of address that, I swear to god, are just not appropriate. This would include calling me honey, darling, dear, sugar or anything else that you might find yourself calling your spouse in bed. I’m not fond of “miss” but I’ll live with it. (Same for ma’am, though that feaks me out a bit as it makes me look around for my mother.) I’ll let it slide if I’m in a good mood, or unstressed, but if you hear my voice chill and my mode of address to you get ever more formal, you might want to pick up on the clue that you’re hopping over a line and it might be best if you hopped back over it right now.

Genuine respect and a decent attitude will get you a hell of a lot further than playing bait the yankee, I kid you not.

Prepress folks -
When my customer has requested your art requirements so that they can alter their art file to run correctly, (as they did not like the changes you made to the file) the correct response is not to drag your heels for the better part of a week and then just hand me back their original artwork and say “here, go for it”.

I have an unhappy customer and an unhappy boss. Guess what I’m gonna sound like when I get you on the phone?

And, for the record, I don’t like being That Person. I take enough crap from end-users and I have no desire to toss that crap on down the line to my vendors, but if you deliberately make my life difficult, I will serve it back with english.