Also, I cannot just sprinkle some pixie dust and make it better. (Not for free anyway… my pixie dust is kinda expensive.)

Me: *Dials Boss*
Boss: Yes?
Me: WHAT IS THIS?!
Boss: Be right down.

Boss: *fixes fire alarm*
Me: That’s much nicer. We’re not actually on fire, right?
Boss: No, everything’s ok.
Me: Cool.
Boss: Calls alarm company, others.

Fire tuck: *arrives*
Me: Uh, boss?
Boss: I’m on this.
Me: Cool.
Boss: *talks to nice firemen*
Fire truck: *departs*

In conclusion, the NFD’s response time is not too bad, fire alarms are very loud, and power surges lead to nothing good.

I, on the other hand, care deeply about your convenience and would firebomb the scofflaw, if such were possible (as I lack explosives) and legal (as I have no wish to go to prison). However, I think intentions should count for something, so taking our mutual hatred for the illegal-left-hand-turn-making-idiot into account, could you do me this one eensy favor?

Lay. Off. The. Horn.

Obviously, your horn is not producing the desired result. The scofflaw has not moved, and it seems he will not do so until such time as he gets to make his mother-loving, donkey-fellating, left hand turn. Your auto horn, on the other hand, is impacting MY day rather directly, and both I and the customer on the other end of my phone would be eternally in your debt if you would take a few breaths, find your zen, and remember that, auto karma being what it is, the scofflaw will most assuredly get his, probably in short order.

No, really.

We’re not like a shoe store. There’s no special back room where we’re keeping the one item you really really want. If it’s not listed, we don’t have it. We may be able to magic it up out of nothing, but that does take time and money.

Being passive aggressive is not the same thing as being polite or nice, and I can sniff that out faster than you would believe. It will not endear you to me, and it will not make me want to go that extra mile for you.

You are free to ask how my day is going. That is, however, a personal question and one I am not obligated to answer (truthfully or otherwise). If I decline to answer and instead ask how I can help you today, you will take the damn hint and drop it. It’s not rude for me to politely sidestep a personal question (even if you don’t think it’s terribly personal). It IS rude of you to force the issue, and it’s INCREDIBLY rude for you to cop an attitude afterward.

Asking where my company is located and then sniffing “well, that explains it” when I tell you that we’re in Newark is also rude. No, really.

Please keep in mind that you are a stranger who wouldn’t know me from Adam, and as such, there’s are certain modes of address that, I swear to god, are just not appropriate. This would include calling me honey, darling, dear, sugar or anything else that you might find yourself calling your spouse in bed. I’m not fond of “miss” but I’ll live with it. (Same for ma’am, though that feaks me out a bit as it makes me look around for my mother.) I’ll let it slide if I’m in a good mood, or unstressed, but if you hear my voice chill and my mode of address to you get ever more formal, you might want to pick up on the clue that you’re hopping over a line and it might be best if you hopped back over it right now.

Genuine respect and a decent attitude will get you a hell of a lot further than playing bait the yankee, I kid you not.

I have an unhappy customer and an unhappy boss. Guess what I’m gonna sound like when I get you on the phone?

And, for the record, I don’t like being That Person. I take enough crap from end-users and I have no desire to toss that crap on down the line to my vendors, but if you deliberately make my life difficult, I will serve it back with english.

Me: I will bean you in the head with a metronome and the idea of you with a whip skeeves me. I will use it to trip you and make you fall down.

Manager: Oh. But we do need to work faster.

Me: No prob. I’ll just put the rest of my job on hold today, ‘kay?

Manager: Sounds good.

1. What does color separated mean?
2. My 10 year old daughter made it. In PowerPoint.

I’ve heard #1 many times, but #2 was a new one. Thankfully, it was a relatively simple logo, and not too hard to rebuild in Illustrator. (And for a 10 year old, it was very good work!)

No, the .gif from your website WILL NOT work. It is tiny and will look like ten kinds of crap on press. No, saving the .gif as a .pdf will STILL not work. It’s still a tiny, crappy file. I’m sorry that your designer isn’t returning your calls, but that doesn’t change what I need from you.

I’ve asked you for a .ttf font file about five times now. I’ve been asking politely. Please understand that I’m not doing this for my health or my own amusement. I need that file in order to produce your job the way you want it. Really. My whole purpose here is to help you get what you ordered, but you have to work with me a little, or nothing is happening. At all.