Manager: BigBoss is putting even more pressure on us to complete the database project of doom. You need to work faster. I may get a metronome or whip for this very reason.
Me: I will bean you in the head with a metronome and the idea of you with a whip skeeves me. I will use it to trip you and make you fall down.
Manager: Oh. But we do need to work faster.
Me: No prob. I’ll just put the rest of my job on hold today, ‘kay?
Manager: Sounds good.
Things you don’t want to hear from a customer first thing in the morning upon asking for a color separated version of their? artwork:
I’ve heard #1 many times, but #2 was a new one. Thankfully, it was a relatively simple logo, and not too hard to rebuild in Illustrator. (And for a 10 year old, it was very good work!)
Dear customer -
We don’t have the font you want. We don’t even have something close to it. I cannot magic it out of thin air, and there is no freeware clone floating on teh interwebs. You really will have to send it to us if you want us to use it. Your very important rush job is GOING NOWHERE until you either send us the damn font, or choose a font that we do have. (Yes, our default font list is lame. I know.)
No, the .gif from your website WILL NOT work. It is tiny and will look like ten kinds of crap on press. No, saving the .gif as a .pdf will STILL not work. It’s still a tiny, crappy file. I’m sorry that your designer isn’t returning your calls, but that doesn’t change what I need from you.
I’ve asked you for a .ttf font file about five times now. I’ve been asking politely. Please understand that I’m not doing this for my health or my own amusement. I need that file in order to produce your job the way you want it. Really. My whole purpose here is to help you get what you ordered, but you have to work with me a little, or nothing is happening. At all.
Dear customer -
When we say the showroom is open by appointment only that’s what we mean. You do not get to just drop by and expect us to “fit you in”, and it doesn’t matter *how* far you drove. (We’re not David’s Bridal) No, letting you wander around the warehouse on your own is NOT an option. (And the item you wanted to order doesn’t even ship from this location.)
Dear passive aggressive customer -
“I’m not good with computers” is not an excuse to forget how to read or think for yourself. We’re not asking you to re-partition your hard drive – you just have to fill in basic information on a form and press two gods-be-dammed buttons. This has NOTHING to do with being “good with computers”. If you can fill out the basic contact form in your doctor’s office, you should be able to do this.
I’m sorry that the big scary internet makes you forget how to function as an adult, but I do not have access to your computer, nor am I getting paid to allay your fears about technology. You’re going to have to pull up your big girl pants and push the button your own damm self.
with sincere stabby rage,
Me
PS – You almost made me snap my favorite pen.
PPS – Yes, our UI isn’t perfect. I’d love it if we could put more time and energy into making it better, but my IT guy is overworked as it is and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about usability on a good day, and the owner of the company doesn’t have the faintest clue what we’re talking about and isn’t going to put money towards interface development when I’m the only person in the company saying that there’s a problem.