Yes, we will send you up to two free proofs on your art or typesetting. After that, we charge for them. No, you really can't sneak one in through the back door by asking for just one more eensy weensy change that you don't need to see before sending the job to press.
If you request a change, you have to see and approve it. No exceptions. If you don't want to pay for extra proofs, get your ducks in a row BEFORE you give me the changes.
In the space of one week, Bill:
Holy shit people, I have begun Planet Paintball, part 2. And aside from that... just insert happy dancing. 'Cause wheeee! I get to work in the same building as him! (but not at the next desk - that would probably incur homicidal urges in both our hearts) And he no longer has to worry all the time about me working in the worst part of Newark! And there's another smart person in the office!
I'd probably spend the rest of the evening doing the happy dance, but work calls. Le sigh.
Dear customer -
We do not accept email attachments. Any email attachments. The fact that you already uploaded a file or two through our handy dandy upload center would bear out that you already understand this. So why are you attaching revised graphics to your damm email correspondence? This is not a pointless hoop we're making you jump though - this is a computer security policy enacted company wide that I do not have the authority or desire to fight. Why? Because email WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE A MEANS OF FILE TRANSFER. That's why we have FTP. That's why we've made such a nice web interface for our FTP server just for you.
GAH!
I don't care that the two minutes of thought required to fill out a web form is icky and a pain in the ass and just too damm inconvient for you to be arsed with. I don't care that you never glanced at the file requirements that we spent a LOT of time writing up. If you can't be arsed to work with us just a teensy bit, I can't be arsed to care when your order is late.
My department needs a FAQ for all the graphics questions the customers don't actually *ask*, but assume they should be helped with anyway. A FAQ for everyone who wouldn't read it, seeing as they don't read the painfully obvious file guidelines and upload instructions that we have up there already
It should be noted that this FAQ doesn't actually exist. We're not going to add yet another block of verbiage on the company site that the customers will invariably ignore. This is just me grouching off.
I uploaded a ZIP/SIT file. Why can't you use it?
Nice answer: The file within the archive still must be of a type that we accept. For example, a zipped Microsoft Word file will upload succussfully, but we will be unable to do anything with it upon arrival.
My answer: Sorry, you are not so special that the rules we have in place for everyone else will be waived just for you. As soon as I see the extension .doc or .rtf or .wpd or ANYTHING ELSE that resembles a word processing file, I toss the whole thing into the bit bucket. You can either email it to me as good old fashioned plain text, or print and fax it over. In spite of what the spiked kool aid is telling you, MS Word does not produce graphics files.
Can you take my logo from my website?
Nice answer: Web graphics are good for on screen display, and often print tolerably from home printers, but will not print acceptably from a professional press. Unless you also have a high resolution version of your logo/graphic on your website for download, you will need to upload a print quality graphic to us.
My answer: What am I - your trained monkey? I'm not hunting through your site hoping to find the correct unusable image. The web is not print, and print is not the web. Not that you'll have any idea what I'm talking about here. No - your cheap ass web graphic looks bad *now* and will only look worse if we sent it to press. That is, if it ever got on press, since I'm certain that the pressmen would look at it and fall down laughing.
I sent a TIF/EPS/etc... file - why you can't you use it?
Nice answer: Regardless of file type, the graphic still has to be of the correct resolution and quality. We cannot take low resolution images or poor quality scans "as is" although we may be able to clean them up to an acceptable standard for an additional charge.
My answer: You moron. Saving that logo from your website in a spiffy new format does not change the fact that is is still a web graphic. Please reboot your brain.
I'm using MS Publisher/Photo Impact/MS Word/PowerPoint/etc... Can you help me export the correct file?
Nice answer: We do not offer tech support for software. The only software that we can "walk you through" for basic problems are the following titles:
Adobe Photoshop
Adobe Illustrator
WinZip
Stuffit
My answer: Do I *look* like tech support?
What I need to do tonight:
No, I'm not going to finish all this tonight. Hence the stress.
What I need to do later this week
I have an urge to come into work with a T-shirt reading "I am a graphics professional. Do not attempt this at home."
What are you doing to my beloved english language?
Quote of the day:
"Please add an inset border around the outside."
Iloathethehumanrace....
It doesn't matter if you're flipping the customer off. They're on the other end of the phone line and can't *see* you.
Of course, for the customer who's complaining that her brown ink on brown stock label came out without enough contrast, invisible bird giving just isn't enough.
But the time for my print vendor to bring up a problem with a supplied file is *not* an hour before the job has to go to press; less than a day before the same, already late job has to ship out, and after the client has seen and approved a proof supplied by the vendor.