• Using the same number for your fax and phone lines sucks - especially if you don't tell me this before hand.
• If you do give ne a dedicated fax number, please don't proceed to pick it up and try to answer when I fax your proof out.
• Yes, our 4 color labels are cheaper than our spot color labels. No, we cannot guarantee that your three special PMS colors will be dead on when done via 4 color process. If exact color matching is that important, you'll have to pony up the extra money.
• No, I cannot send out color proofs.
• No, I cannot sent out production proofs of your printed products.
• Yes, I *do* know what I'm talking about.
• Yes, I can write up a sample request for you while you've got me on the phone for your full order. No, I cannot write them both up at the same time.
• I cannot write as fast as you can talk, so you'll have to hold on a sec. If I write things out too fast, no one can read my writing, the order entry gal gets steamed, and no one ends up happy.
• Yes, we really have to write out every order on paper, longhand.
• Yes, I *do* know what year it is.

I spend at least part of every work day on the phone taking orders and dealing with customers. Usually, this isn't too bad. Most folks have their act in gear by the time they've dialed the phone, or at least know exactly the questions they need to ask. Of course, there always the exceptions. As the holiday season gets more intense, more people find themselves becoming the annoying exceptions. So I'm thinking of a guideline for folks calling in orders:

• I don't need to know your life story. I don't really need to know why you want this box/shred/ribbon/label. I need to know the item number. No, I can't just pull one out of thin air. No, I really can't read your mind. The phone psychics work in the next building.
• No, I cannot tell you what size box you need to pack three sprocket spanners in. That's why we have a sample department. I'll send you the three boxes of your choice, and *you* can figure out the size box needed for your sprocket spanners.
• 3-4 boxes is a reasonable sample request. Ten is not.
• Also, I can't tell you how much shred you'll need to pad your box with the sprocket spanners. On the fly volume estimates with multiple unknown variables were never my strong suit.
• For the love of god, if you spoke to another CS rep this morning and didn't finish placing your order and are talking to me now simply because I'm your only chance of getting a human being on the phone, please tell me that you took down your CS rep's name so I can find your paperwork.
• I *can* call up that last order you placed in 2001 that you want to duplicate, but I need more than 30 seconds to do it.
• Yes, we really do charge to send out samples. No, I don't care if the other companies you deal with don't charge. No, I don't have the authority to change company policy.
• (For print and ad agencies) I'm sorry that you waited so long to get samples together for your client presentation, but you're in CA, we're in NJ, and you can either wait the 3-4 days for standard shipping, or you can pay through the nose to have them overnighted.
• Yes, I really am from NJ. No, we don't all have horrible accents.
• I know you were stuck on hold for a long time. I feel your pain. We're understaffed, it's the holiday rush, and the entire country is trying to call *right now*. Be glad you're not here in person.
• No, we can't ship your order out the same day as you call/fax/email it in. Please accept my apologies.
• No, we're not hiding any super secret colors/sizes/styles in the warehouse. If the color/size/style isn't on the website, it's not in stock. Yes, we will quote you for a custom size/color/style. It will take a few months to fabricate and cost a lot.
• Custom quotes require complete information from you. You don't have to answer all my questions, but the paperwork will just get bounced back to me and we'll wind up having this same conversation tomorrow.
• (For customers wanting to pay via check) You do realize we can't start processing your order until we get your check in the mail? And then wait for it to clear?
• (For customers wanting to pay via wire transfer) Please. Just kill me now.

So with the day job, and the freelancing, I haven't had time for anything resembling a life lately. But there are advantages to this. Whereas my dayjob paycheck is earmarked for boring survival things like rent, bills, food, and car stuff, the freelancing paycheck has the following destinations:

• New winter coat (the current winter coat is about 14 years old and *looking it* - in spite of much sentimental value, it needs to be retired.)
• New dress for upcoming wedding. (No way I can avoid going to this one, so I at least want to look really good.) And, as I recently found out while playing wishful dress up at Macy's, I'm still a size six.

If there's any left over, it's going into savings.

So I've got the head cold from hell going on. My sinuses cleared up yesterday (mostly) and my throat only hurts a little. In fact, I'm only a little lethargic now. so what's the down side? No voice. Just this tiny, scratchy, cracking, joke of a sound. Any idea how hard it is to make a telemarketer go away when you're yelling and he still can't hear you?

Even worse, I still had to take sales calls at work today. If I yelled and *really* enunciated, the customers could hear me. This is probably why I went from just sounding silly this morning to not being able to produce anything above a whisper now. Really hoping that a good night's sleep fixes some of this. We're short staffed and heading into the busy season. Even knowing that I have half a voice, they can't avoid giving me the calls. There's just too many of them coming in.

So, seeing as I can't speak but can move, I figured I should do some cooking. Note to self - cooking when one can't smell and can barely taste anything is a hit or miss game.

Maybe I should add technology evangelist to my list of job titles. US Box now has it's own non-blog newsfeed for new product updates.

The last new job. I am the art department for US Box. The good? It's a real job. The bad? It's in Newark. I can live with it. :)

But updates might get a little sparse for the next week or two while I adjust to the new job. For those of you who are local, I will be at the faire booth this weekend. (And may, in fact, be *running* the booth for a day or so... but that's another story)

I don't mind that one of my duties at work is to answer the phone. It's not exactly tough, brain intensive, or physically demanding. However - I suck at voices. As in, matching a phone voice to a name for someone I have never actually met is not a workable deal for me. So everyone gets a polite "may I ask who's calling?" before I pass the call on. For most callers, this is not a problem.

But then there are the jokers. The ones who want to play a game of twenty questions. Because it is fairly unfathomable to them that I don't know who I'm speaking with. Guys, I've had to bluff my way though phone conversations with friends I've known for ten years when the connection is spotty or the voice just isn't popping out in my memory. Do you seriously think that your generically male middle aged voice is going to act as a serious identifier when I've been at this place for only two weeks? Sheesh.

But on the up side, they are charming (if grump inducing) and I think they all really do mean well. But I'm still tempted to ask them why they feel I'm getting paid to play guessing games. Maybe it's some off kind of hazing. Or... maybe I'll start memorizing the voices. Odder things have happened.

Sheesh. At the rate I've been bouncing through employers this year, you'd think I was flighty or something. :) With luck, this one will last. The whole first day jitters thing is so much like the first day of school... which I was never too fond of anyway. But, I think I like this place. Even if they seem to think that I can't handle hearing profanity. (Heh. Wait 'till the see me on a no coffee morning.)

And I get to sit near a *window*. Been about five years (not counting working from home) since I could just look up during the day and know what was going on outside. Of course, today would be the first nice summery day in the last week of cold, gray, rainy, bleah weather...

Having had only limited success freelancing, and having not one but two bosses go flakey on me, I decided that it was time to find something a little more solid with which to pay the rent. I did find a job, but I also found some other things...

• For the three weeks I'm sending out my resume to all and sundry, no one will give me the time of day. As soon as I land a job and am off the market, *everyone* wants me to come in for an interview.
• Women tend to ask more personal questions during an interview than men.
• I have not figured out how to lie well on a moments notice, so I just answer those personal questions truthfully. Somehow, this surprises people.
• Men, on the other hand, are far more likely to make the assumption that because I look younger than I am, they can run me ragged like a college intern and I won't get grouchy.
• Most places that ask one to fax a resume before they will even talk to you are black holes. You send them stuff and nothing ever comes back.
• Temp services suck.
• They more someone tries to "sell" me on a position, the more suspicious I become of them and it.
• Group interviews suck.
• I am no longer afraid of walking out of an interview if it turns out that it's just not what I'm looking for.
• Any job listing that uses the words "wild and crazy" or "must love money" is complete BS.
• Summer is a sucky time to job hunt, 'cause employers are looking for easy to exploit college kids home on break.
• When in an interview, they're not just interviewing me, I'm interviewing *them*.