Dear customer -
We do not accept email attachments. Any email attachments. The fact that you already uploaded a file or two through our handy dandy upload center would bear out that you already understand this. So why are you attaching revised graphics to your damm email correspondence? This is not a pointless hoop we’re making you jump though - this is a computer security policy enacted company wide that I do not have the authority or desire to fight. Why? Because email WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE A MEANS OF FILE TRANSFER. That’s why we have FTP. That’s why we’ve made such a nice web interface for our FTP server just for you.

GAH!

I don’t care that the two minutes of thought required to fill out a web form is icky and a pain in the ass and just too damm inconvient for you to be arsed with. I don’t care that you never glanced at the file requirements that we spent a LOT of time writing up. If you can’t be arsed to work with us just a teensy bit, I can’t be arsed to care when your order is late.

My department needs a FAQ for all the graphics questions the customers don’t actually *ask*, but assume they should be helped with anyway. A FAQ for everyone who wouldn’t read it, seeing as they don’t read the painfully obvious file guidelines and upload instructions that we have up there already

It should be noted that this FAQ doesn’t actually exist. We’re not going to add yet another block of verbiage on the company site that the customers will invariably ignore. This is just me grouching off.

I uploaded a ZIP/SIT file. Why can’t you use it?
Nice answer: The file within the archive still must be of a type that we accept. For example, a zipped Microsoft Word file will upload succussfully, but we will be unable to do anything with it upon arrival.

My answer: Sorry, you are not so special that the rules we have in place for everyone else will be waived just for you. As soon as I see the extension .doc or .rtf or .wpd or ANYTHING ELSE that resembles a word processing file, I toss the whole thing into the bit bucket. You can either email it to me as good old fashioned plain text, or print and fax it over. In spite of what the spiked kool aid is telling you, MS Word does not produce graphics files.

Can you take my logo from my website?
Nice answer: Web graphics are good for on screen display, and often print tolerably from home printers, but will not print acceptably from a professional press. Unless you also have a high resolution version of your logo/graphic on your website for download, you will need to upload a print quality graphic to us.

My answer: What am I - your trained monkey? I’m not hunting through your site hoping to find the correct unusable image. The web is not print, and print is not the web. Not that you’ll have any idea what I’m talking about here. No - your cheap ass web graphic looks bad *now* and will only look worse if we sent it to press. That is, if it ever got on press, since I’m certain that the pressmen would look at it and fall down laughing.

I sent a TIF/EPS/etc… file - why you can’t you use it?
Nice answer: Regardless of file type, the graphic still has to be of the correct resolution and quality. We cannot take low resolution images or poor quality scans “as is” although we may be able to clean them up to an acceptable standard for an additional charge.

My answer: You moron. Saving that logo from your website in a spiffy new format does not change the fact that is is still a web graphic. Please reboot your brain.

I’m using MS Publisher/Photo Impact/MS Word/PowerPoint/etc… Can you help me export the correct file?
Nice answer: We do not offer tech support for software. The only software that we can “walk you through” for basic problems are the following titles:
Adobe Photoshop
Adobe Illustrator
WinZip
Stuffit

My answer: Do I *look* like tech support?

• WBH Swim updates
• Plonked down approx. $1,600 for plane tickets to Ireland. (Finally taking the out of country trip. Wheee!)
• Kept all my day job clients (mostly) happy.
• Began re-designing the US Box envelopes. (I’ve already revamped their order forms and invoices)
• Visited the bookstore. (On orders from Bill. Apparently, I’ve begun stressing so much that I’m becoming hard to live with.)
• Called my Dad.
• Planned what I’ll be taking on the plane trip.

What I need to do tonight:

• Finish coding the 1,000+ items for S4
• Finish redesign work for BubbleBliss (not yet live)
• Finish site updates for DragonFolk

No, I’m not going to finish all this tonight. Hence the stress.

What I need to do later this week

• Submit my passport paperwork
• Finish my taxes
• Figure out a way to stop stressing.

• No, you cannot get an accurate color proof by looking at an the picture on your screen.
• No, we still don’t do production proofs.
• Yes, you really do need to supply us with a PMS color if you want to match a color exactly.
• No, I cannot send you a PMS swatch book. (Do you have any idea how much they cost?)
• If it takes longer than five minutes for me to explain what a PMS color is, you’ll have to figure it out on your own.
• No, I will not “use my own judgement” and pick a color for you. (Unless you are actually in the showroom and we are *both* looking at the swatch book.)
• I don’t care if you don’t think you need to see a proof - you will still get one and I won’t send your job to the printer until I get it returned to me with a signature.
• No, I will not make a one time exception to the color choice or proof policies. Every time I do that it bites me in the butt.
• I’m sorry our sales staff didn’t explain the color, proof, or file requirements to you in enough detail. I’m working on educating them. (it’s a work in progress.)
• Our file requirements are spelled out in detail on the website. They are on the same page you used to upload the files. So, the part that says we don’t accept MS word files AT ALL? Applies to you too.
• Sending me the wrong file three times in a row will, in fact, delay your job getting to press. I do apologize for this. Sending me the correct file the first time will avoid this problem in the future.

I have an urge to come into work with a T-shirt reading “I am a graphics professional. Do not attempt this at home.”

What are you doing to my beloved english language?
Quote of the day:
“Please add an inset border around the outside.”

Iloathethehumanrace….

It doesn’t matter if you’re flipping the customer off. They’re on the other end of the phone line and can’t *see* you.

Of course, for the customer who’s complaining that her brown ink on brown stock label came out without enough contrast, invisible bird giving just isn’t enough.

But the time for my print vendor to bring up a problem with a supplied file is *not* an hour before the job has to go to press; less than a day before the same, already late job has to ship out, and after the client has seen and approved a proof supplied by the vendor.

• Using the same number for your fax and phone lines sucks - especially if you don’t tell me this before hand.
• If you do give ne a dedicated fax number, please don’t proceed to pick it up and try to answer when I fax your proof out.
• Yes, our 4 color labels are cheaper than our spot color labels. No, we cannot guarantee that your three special PMS colors will be dead on when done via 4 color process. If exact color matching is that important, you’ll have to pony up the extra money.
• No, I cannot send out color proofs.
• No, I cannot sent out production proofs of your printed products.
• Yes, I *do* know what I’m talking about.
• Yes, I can write up a sample request for you while you’ve got me on the phone for your full order. No, I cannot write them both up at the same time.
• I cannot write as fast as you can talk, so you’ll have to hold on a sec. If I write things out too fast, no one can read my writing, the order entry gal gets steamed, and no one ends up happy.
• Yes, we really have to write out every order on paper, longhand.
• Yes, I *do* know what year it is.

I spend at least part of every work day on the phone taking orders and dealing with customers. Usually, this isn’t too bad. Most folks have their act in gear by the time they’ve dialed the phone, or at least know exactly the questions they need to ask. Of course, there always the exceptions. As the holiday season gets more intense, more people find themselves becoming the annoying exceptions. So I’m thinking of a guideline for folks calling in orders:

• I don’t need to know your life story. I don’t really need to know why you want this box/shred/ribbon/label. I need to know the item number. No, I can’t just pull one out of thin air. No, I really can’t read your mind. The phone psychics work in the next building.
• No, I cannot tell you what size box you need to pack three sprocket spanners in. That’s why we have a sample department. I’ll send you the three boxes of your choice, and *you* can figure out the size box needed for your sprocket spanners.
• 3-4 boxes is a reasonable sample request. Ten is not.
• Also, I can’t tell you how much shred you’ll need to pad your box with the sprocket spanners. On the fly volume estimates with multiple unknown variables were never my strong suit.
• For the love of god, if you spoke to another CS rep this morning and didn’t finish placing your order and are talking to me now simply because I’m your only chance of getting a human being on the phone, please tell me that you took down your CS rep’s name so I can find your paperwork.
• I *can* call up that last order you placed in 2001 that you want to duplicate, but I need more than 30 seconds to do it.
• Yes, we really do charge to send out samples. No, I don’t care if the other companies you deal with don’t charge. No, I don’t have the authority to change company policy.
• (For print and ad agencies) I’m sorry that you waited so long to get samples together for your client presentation, but you’re in CA, we’re in NJ, and you can either wait the 3-4 days for standard shipping, or you can pay through the nose to have them overnighted.
• Yes, I really am from NJ. No, we don’t all have horrible accents.
• I know you were stuck on hold for a long time. I feel your pain. We’re understaffed, it’s the holiday rush, and the entire country is trying to call *right now*. Be glad you’re not here in person.
• No, we can’t ship your order out the same day as you call/fax/email it in. Please accept my apologies.
• No, we’re not hiding any super secret colors/sizes/styles in the warehouse. If the color/size/style isn’t on the website, it’s not in stock. Yes, we will quote you for a custom size/color/style. It will take a few months to fabricate and cost a lot.
• Custom quotes require complete information from you. You don’t have to answer all my questions, but the paperwork will just get bounced back to me and we’ll wind up having this same conversation tomorrow.
• (For customers wanting to pay via check) You do realize we can’t start processing your order until we get your check in the mail? And then wait for it to clear?
• (For customers wanting to pay via wire transfer) Please. Just kill me now.