It doesn’t matter if you’re flipping the customer off. They’re on the other end of the phone line and can’t *see* you.

Of course, for the customer who’s complaining that her brown ink on brown stock label came out without enough contrast, invisible bird giving just isn’t enough.

But the time for my print vendor to bring up a problem with a supplied file is *not* an hour before the job has to go to press; less than a day before the same, already late job has to ship out, and after the client has seen and approved a proof supplied by the vendor.

• Using the same number for your fax and phone lines sucks – especially if you don’t tell me this before hand.
• If you do give ne a dedicated fax number, please don’t proceed to pick it up and try to answer when I fax your proof out.
• Yes, our 4 color labels are cheaper than our spot color labels. No, we cannot guarantee that your three special PMS colors will be dead on when done via 4 color process. If exact color matching is that important, you’ll have to pony up the extra money.
• No, I cannot send out color proofs.
• No, I cannot sent out production proofs of your printed products.
• Yes, I *do* know what I’m talking about.
• Yes, I can write up a sample request for you while you’ve got me on the phone for your full order. No, I cannot write them both up at the same time.
• I cannot write as fast as you can talk, so you’ll have to hold on a sec. If I write things out too fast, no one can read my writing, the order entry gal gets steamed, and no one ends up happy.
• Yes, we really have to write out every order on paper, longhand.
• Yes, I *do* know what year it is.

I spend at least part of every work day on the phone taking orders and dealing with customers. Usually, this isn’t too bad. Most folks have their act in gear by the time they’ve dialed the phone, or at least know exactly the questions they need to ask. Of course, there always the exceptions. As the holiday season gets more intense, more people find themselves becoming the annoying exceptions. So I’m thinking of a guideline for folks calling in orders:

• I don’t need to know your life story. I don’t really need to know why you want this box/shred/ribbon/label. I need to know the item number. No, I can’t just pull one out of thin air. No, I really can’t read your mind. The phone psychics work in the next building.
• No, I cannot tell you what size box you need to pack three sprocket spanners in. That’s why we have a sample department. I’ll send you the three boxes of your choice, and *you* can figure out the size box needed for your sprocket spanners.
• 3-4 boxes is a reasonable sample request. Ten is not.
• Also, I can’t tell you how much shred you’ll need to pad your box with the sprocket spanners. On the fly volume estimates with multiple unknown variables were never my strong suit.
• For the love of god, if you spoke to another CS rep this morning and didn’t finish placing your order and are talking to me now simply because I’m your only chance of getting a human being on the phone, please tell me that you took down your CS rep’s name so I can find your paperwork.
• I *can* call up that last order you placed in 2001 that you want to duplicate, but I need more than 30 seconds to do it.
• Yes, we really do charge to send out samples. No, I don’t care if the other companies you deal with don’t charge. No, I don’t have the authority to change company policy.
• (For print and ad agencies) I’m sorry that you waited so long to get samples together for your client presentation, but you’re in CA, we’re in NJ, and you can either wait the 3-4 days for standard shipping, or you can pay through the nose to have them overnighted.
• Yes, I really am from NJ. No, we don’t all have horrible accents.
• I know you were stuck on hold for a long time. I feel your pain. We’re understaffed, it’s the holiday rush, and the entire country is trying to call *right now*. Be glad you’re not here in person.
• No, we can’t ship your order out the same day as you call/fax/email it in. Please accept my apologies.
• No, we’re not hiding any super secret colors/sizes/styles in the warehouse. If the color/size/style isn’t on the website, it’s not in stock. Yes, we will quote you for a custom size/color/style. It will take a few months to fabricate and cost a lot.
• Custom quotes require complete information from you. You don’t have to answer all my questions, but the paperwork will just get bounced back to me and we’ll wind up having this same conversation tomorrow.
• (For customers wanting to pay via check) You do realize we can’t start processing your order until we get your check in the mail? And then wait for it to clear?
• (For customers wanting to pay via wire transfer) Please. Just kill me now.